3 months and Laila Graduated Pre-school (VPK)

Its been 3 months today. I can't believe it. I can't believe that my Granny has been gone for 3 months. It seems so unreal. It really seems as though she is on a little vacation and will be back soon. It doesn't seem permanent.
It isn't permanent really. I will see her again and she will be "up and about" as Devan says. I miss her terribly. I miss her more and more everyday!

Laila graduated from VPK yesterday. It was so emotional on so many levels. She is my baby nad will be going to kindergarten in August! I wanted Granny there. I cried during parts of the ceremony!

Mother's Day 2011

Another month

It's difficult. We have enterd another month. Today is May 1st....
Granny passed in February. Its still hard. Hard to know time is getting farther in between my last time with her.
It takes a lot of strength to not break down and cry. Sometimes that strength fails me. It hurts the same as it did. It just doesn't hurt every moment of everyday.

Psalms 119:28 "My soul is weary with sorrow: strengthen me according to your word."

Easter 2011

Jesus came to earth,
To show us how to live,
How to put others first,
How to love and how to give.

Then He set about His work,
That God sent Him to do;
He took our punishment on Himself;
He made us clean and new.

He could have saved Himself,
Calling angels from above,
But He chose to pay our price for sin;
He paid it out of love.

Our Lord died on Good Friday,
But the cross did not destroy
His resurrection on Easter morn
That fills our hearts with joy.

Now we know our earthly death,
Like His, is just a rest.
We'll be forever with Him
In heaven, where life is best.

So we live our lives for Jesus,
Think of Him in all we do.
Thank you Savior; Thank you Lord.
Help us love like you!

*******************************

Easter Sunday. me and the kids
























Devan.












































Cousins, Friends.













I had great weekend. The family came from Georgia to visit and it was great to get together!


We went to Devan's baseball game and then had a little Easter Egg Hunt..over 150 eggs were hid! We went to The Harlem Globe Trotters basketball game....church on Sunday and time well spent with the family!


It was a somber time....i kept thinking of Granny. It is the first holiday without her. During the church service this morning I had an emotional time. We were singing and I just started crying. It is so weird. There are times when I am okay then there are times when I just cry for no reason or every reason at all.

I miss her so much. It seems to be harder though at times. I don't want time in between her death. it seems i keep wanting time to stand still. Like if i have to count in days, weeks, months, and years since her death the memories will fade. I. don't. want. that!


The kids loved having their cousins around. When we got home this afternoon Devan says, "Gee Mama, I really miss everybody." I said, "Yeah me too baby. I like when the family all get together. " He said, "I like when Emma and I play. Emma is my friend and we love each other." My heart melted. Family is so important. I think you have to have a close family to be truly happy. You need family. You need to have the holidays celebrated with all the family. This has been made so clear to me ever since Granny died. Granny would want everyone to be happy, get along, and stay together as one. She would want us to love one another and be supportive of one another.


Easter isn't about the plastic eggs, the Easter bunny or all the candy. It's about Jesus and without Him I wouldn't be where I am today. Without Him I wouldn't have peace in knowing I will see my Granny again.


On this Easter Sunday I want to post my favorite verses. Now my "favorite" seem to change depending on life and what is happening in it. But, none the less, I have some faves....

“I am the way and the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except
through me."

"For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that
whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life."

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you
and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

2 months ago

Its not easier. I think you just get numb to the thought. It has been 2 months since my Granny died. It feels like yesterday. I really miss her. I miss you terribly. I feel like she is just on a vacation. Like she needs to hurry up and get back because there is so much I need to tell her. So much she has missed the past 2 months! I think of her so much.

I love you Granny. . Not a day goes by that you are not on my mind or in my heart. . . .

Devan has been playing baseball. He loves it and is doing so well. I am so proud of him. He wants to play every year I think. I need to get Laila into some type of sport or a activity. She get restless while we are at the games

We have started a tradition many, many months ago. Every Friday night is our movie night. I rent a couple of movies and the kids and I curl up on the couch and eat popcorn and watch the movies until someone falls asleep. (Usually, Devan first!)

I love it. They love it. It builds family memories.

Also, Laila shaved one of her eyebrows off when I wasn't paying attention. I couldn't help but laugh! I'm glad she didn't cut herself. Leave it to Laila to do this. Devan wasn't so into things like she is. She gets into cabinets, makeup, anything!

Wait.

I have been struggling the past month. Actually it's been 4 weeks and 6 days.

My life has changed. I am not the same. I miss her. I miss her bad.
If I can think of something good to come out of this pain...good? I don't know if thats the word to use. I have become closer in my faith. Closer, because I want to see Granny again. I need to be where she is one day. I need to be where she is.

She was a sister, a grandmother, a mother....

I value my love and friendship with my mom and dad. My mom is my friend and my safety net. I do not have a spouse...I think it has made me closer to my parents over the years. They are my "go-to" people for advice. My sounding board for my problems...big or small. I have them to listen to me when I have had a bad day. When life seems unfair and when I have no-one to talk to. I mean children don't ask you, "Hey Mom, how was your day?", "How did work go?" and do they even really care about that? They don't really care about that at this age as long as their needs are met.

I have my parents. I have them as my "spouse". I couldn't imagine the grief and despair if they weren't here for me.

I found this poem and it really touch me....

Wait

by Russell Kelfer

Desperately, helplessly, longingly, I cried;
Quietly, patiently, lovingly, God replied.
I pled and I wept for a clue to my fate . . .
And the Master so gently said, "Wait."


"Wait? you say wait?" my indignant reply.
"Lord, I need answers, I need to know why!
Is your hand shortened? Or have you not heard?
By faith I have asked, and I'm claiming your Word.


"My future and all to which I relate
Hangs in the balance, and you tell me to wait?
I'm needing a 'yes', a go-ahead sign,
Or even a 'no' to which I can resign.


"You promised, dear Lord, that if we believe,
We need but to ask, and we shall receive.
And Lord I've been asking, and this is my cry:
I'm weary of asking! I need a reply."


Then quietly, softly, I learned of my fate,
As my Master replied again, "Wait."
So I slumped in my chair, defeated and taut,
And grumbled to God, "So, I'm waiting for what?"


He seemed then to kneel, and His eyes met with mine . . .
and He tenderly said, "I could give you a sign.
I could shake the heavens and darken the sun.
I could raise the dead and cause mountains to run.


"I could give all you seek and pleased you would be.
You'd have what you want, but you wouldn't know Me.
You'd not know the depth of my love for each saint.
You'd not know the power that I give to the faint.


"You'd not learn to see through clouds of despair;
You'd not learn to trust just by knowing I'm there.
You'd not know the joy of resting in Me
When darkness and silence are all you can see.


"You'd never experience the fullness of love
When the peace of My spirit descends like a dove.
You would know that I give, and I save, for a start,
But you'd not know the depth of the beat of My heart.


"The glow of my comfort late into the night,
The faith that I give when you walk without sight.
The depth that's beyond getting just what you ask
From an infinite God who makes what you have last.


"You'd never know, should your pain quickly flee,
What it means that My grace is sufficient for thee.
Yes, your dearest dreams overnight would come true,
But, oh, the loss, if you missed what I'm doing in you.


"So, be silent, my child, and in time you will see
That the greatest of gifts is to truly know me.
And though oft My answers seem terribly late

"You'd never know, should your pain quickly flee,
What it means that My grace is sufficient for thee.
Yes, your dearest dreams overnight would come true,
But, oh, the loss, if you missed what I'm doing in you.

Opening Day for Baseball

Today Devan had opening day for baseball. He did great! He had such a great time. He laughed and smiled so big. He even got on base a few times! There were jumping castles and food. Grandpa and Grandma were there too! Life couldn't have been better, well actually..................




































.........actually it could have been a whole lot better. I kept thinking how I wanted to call Granny to tell her about the game. She passed away before seeing/hearing about his first practice. She knew he signed up but it was a few weeks before his actual practice started. "Is it time? He's gonna be so good!" is what Granny told me a week before she died. One week before practice started she was gone and I didn't get to call her and say, "Yeah, granny he did good!" She didn't get to hear how he did. The number on Devan's back for his baseball uniform....17. Her birthday...Jan. 17.
Granny, you were there. You saw him today. You had a better view!

2 weeks, 5 days, 6 hours and 44 minutes

but whose counting.....


That's how long it has been since my granny passed away. It has been an emotional roller coaster to say the least.

They say time will make it easier. Does it though? Because for me, time is making it harder. Harder because I have never gone this long without talking to her. I feel I need to call her. I need to tell her about Devan's first baseball practice... about Devan getting strep throat..again! Laila needing to sign up for kindergarten in a couple weeks. Laila's week at daycare...

I miss her. I miss talking to her about life. I miss hearing her voice. I miss talking about Law and order, Lifetime shows, what book she is reading....I miss holding her hand and hearing her tell me "I love you" I miss knowing that she is just a phone call away to ease my worries. I miss her more and more everyday. I know that God needed her more than me. She is in no more pain.

It is selfish for me to want her here. To want her here so my own grief and hurt could be spared. She would not want be in pain, hurting, and dependent on others for her every need. My granny was a very independent person and never wanted to depend upon other people to help her.

I read at my Granny's funeral, which was difficult but very rewarding. I know the women she was. I know the relationship we had. I know what I meant to her and what she meant to me. I want to post what I read....

Louise Ashley Warner (aka Granny)

Jan 17, 1930-Feb 15, 2011

Wife, sister, mama,
mother-in-law, and friend. Grandmother and Great-Grandmother. She had many
names. To me she was my granny.

My granny was more to me
than my grandmother she was my best friend.

I hold close to my heart
stories we would share while chatting on the phone for hours or as I would curl
up to her in her bed,.

We would laugh, talk, cry,
and pray together. She had unconditional love for me and made me feel
emotionally safe and secure.

One of my fondest memories
was spending the night with my granny and papa every Friday night. Granny would
let us stay up all night if we wanted to drinking coke and eating potato chips
and tootsie rolls. Come Saturday morning we would wake up early and Papa would
take us to get donuts. Granny and I would always get the same...Lemon
filled.

Granny would let us pull all
her shoes out of her closet. She loved shoes. We would dance around in her 3 inch
heels. My favorite were the purple ones.

Granny always put the needs
of others before her own. I would call her and she would say, "Hey darling, Are
you okay? Ya need anything?"

We would watch Law and Order
marathons and try to figure out who the bad guy was and guess how it would end.
We would paint each other nails and she would be very particular of the steps
you need to take.
She was my "safe place", my friend, my granny. I
loved her more than words and my heart is broken for what I miss. But i am
thankful for having her as my grandmother and my friend.
I know she is
watching over me from heaven as God has given her a new name....an angel.