Wait.

I have been struggling the past month. Actually it's been 4 weeks and 6 days.

My life has changed. I am not the same. I miss her. I miss her bad.
If I can think of something good to come out of this pain...good? I don't know if thats the word to use. I have become closer in my faith. Closer, because I want to see Granny again. I need to be where she is one day. I need to be where she is.

She was a sister, a grandmother, a mother....

I value my love and friendship with my mom and dad. My mom is my friend and my safety net. I do not have a spouse...I think it has made me closer to my parents over the years. They are my "go-to" people for advice. My sounding board for my problems...big or small. I have them to listen to me when I have had a bad day. When life seems unfair and when I have no-one to talk to. I mean children don't ask you, "Hey Mom, how was your day?", "How did work go?" and do they even really care about that? They don't really care about that at this age as long as their needs are met.

I have my parents. I have them as my "spouse". I couldn't imagine the grief and despair if they weren't here for me.

I found this poem and it really touch me....

Wait

by Russell Kelfer

Desperately, helplessly, longingly, I cried;
Quietly, patiently, lovingly, God replied.
I pled and I wept for a clue to my fate . . .
And the Master so gently said, "Wait."


"Wait? you say wait?" my indignant reply.
"Lord, I need answers, I need to know why!
Is your hand shortened? Or have you not heard?
By faith I have asked, and I'm claiming your Word.


"My future and all to which I relate
Hangs in the balance, and you tell me to wait?
I'm needing a 'yes', a go-ahead sign,
Or even a 'no' to which I can resign.


"You promised, dear Lord, that if we believe,
We need but to ask, and we shall receive.
And Lord I've been asking, and this is my cry:
I'm weary of asking! I need a reply."


Then quietly, softly, I learned of my fate,
As my Master replied again, "Wait."
So I slumped in my chair, defeated and taut,
And grumbled to God, "So, I'm waiting for what?"


He seemed then to kneel, and His eyes met with mine . . .
and He tenderly said, "I could give you a sign.
I could shake the heavens and darken the sun.
I could raise the dead and cause mountains to run.


"I could give all you seek and pleased you would be.
You'd have what you want, but you wouldn't know Me.
You'd not know the depth of my love for each saint.
You'd not know the power that I give to the faint.


"You'd not learn to see through clouds of despair;
You'd not learn to trust just by knowing I'm there.
You'd not know the joy of resting in Me
When darkness and silence are all you can see.


"You'd never experience the fullness of love
When the peace of My spirit descends like a dove.
You would know that I give, and I save, for a start,
But you'd not know the depth of the beat of My heart.


"The glow of my comfort late into the night,
The faith that I give when you walk without sight.
The depth that's beyond getting just what you ask
From an infinite God who makes what you have last.


"You'd never know, should your pain quickly flee,
What it means that My grace is sufficient for thee.
Yes, your dearest dreams overnight would come true,
But, oh, the loss, if you missed what I'm doing in you.


"So, be silent, my child, and in time you will see
That the greatest of gifts is to truly know me.
And though oft My answers seem terribly late

"You'd never know, should your pain quickly flee,
What it means that My grace is sufficient for thee.
Yes, your dearest dreams overnight would come true,
But, oh, the loss, if you missed what I'm doing in you.

Opening Day for Baseball

Today Devan had opening day for baseball. He did great! He had such a great time. He laughed and smiled so big. He even got on base a few times! There were jumping castles and food. Grandpa and Grandma were there too! Life couldn't have been better, well actually..................




































.........actually it could have been a whole lot better. I kept thinking how I wanted to call Granny to tell her about the game. She passed away before seeing/hearing about his first practice. She knew he signed up but it was a few weeks before his actual practice started. "Is it time? He's gonna be so good!" is what Granny told me a week before she died. One week before practice started she was gone and I didn't get to call her and say, "Yeah, granny he did good!" She didn't get to hear how he did. The number on Devan's back for his baseball uniform....17. Her birthday...Jan. 17.
Granny, you were there. You saw him today. You had a better view!

2 weeks, 5 days, 6 hours and 44 minutes

but whose counting.....


That's how long it has been since my granny passed away. It has been an emotional roller coaster to say the least.

They say time will make it easier. Does it though? Because for me, time is making it harder. Harder because I have never gone this long without talking to her. I feel I need to call her. I need to tell her about Devan's first baseball practice... about Devan getting strep throat..again! Laila needing to sign up for kindergarten in a couple weeks. Laila's week at daycare...

I miss her. I miss talking to her about life. I miss hearing her voice. I miss talking about Law and order, Lifetime shows, what book she is reading....I miss holding her hand and hearing her tell me "I love you" I miss knowing that she is just a phone call away to ease my worries. I miss her more and more everyday. I know that God needed her more than me. She is in no more pain.

It is selfish for me to want her here. To want her here so my own grief and hurt could be spared. She would not want be in pain, hurting, and dependent on others for her every need. My granny was a very independent person and never wanted to depend upon other people to help her.

I read at my Granny's funeral, which was difficult but very rewarding. I know the women she was. I know the relationship we had. I know what I meant to her and what she meant to me. I want to post what I read....

Louise Ashley Warner (aka Granny)

Jan 17, 1930-Feb 15, 2011

Wife, sister, mama,
mother-in-law, and friend. Grandmother and Great-Grandmother. She had many
names. To me she was my granny.

My granny was more to me
than my grandmother she was my best friend.

I hold close to my heart
stories we would share while chatting on the phone for hours or as I would curl
up to her in her bed,.

We would laugh, talk, cry,
and pray together. She had unconditional love for me and made me feel
emotionally safe and secure.

One of my fondest memories
was spending the night with my granny and papa every Friday night. Granny would
let us stay up all night if we wanted to drinking coke and eating potato chips
and tootsie rolls. Come Saturday morning we would wake up early and Papa would
take us to get donuts. Granny and I would always get the same...Lemon
filled.

Granny would let us pull all
her shoes out of her closet. She loved shoes. We would dance around in her 3 inch
heels. My favorite were the purple ones.

Granny always put the needs
of others before her own. I would call her and she would say, "Hey darling, Are
you okay? Ya need anything?"

We would watch Law and Order
marathons and try to figure out who the bad guy was and guess how it would end.
We would paint each other nails and she would be very particular of the steps
you need to take.
She was my "safe place", my friend, my granny. I
loved her more than words and my heart is broken for what I miss. But i am
thankful for having her as my grandmother and my friend.
I know she is
watching over me from heaven as God has given her a new name....an angel.