God is still God

Time just gets away from me it seems. I try to write here when I can. It obviously hasn't been in a long time. Time. There is alot I can say about time. I do not have enough time in the day. Where does all my time go. OHHHH the list could go on and on.

The days are getting shorter. It is dark by the time I get home from work. It feels so late by the time I get home and start dinner and help the kids with homework and baths and bedtime. It feels like midnight outside! It is actually about 9:30 by the time all this is finished. =/

I feel overwhelmed and anxious. Exhausted and drained. I wonder how many hours until my alarm will actually goes off. UGH.

I am struggling with this time of year. There are many things going on in my life that I want to call my Granny about. I need to talk to her. I need her to tell me "baby it is okay" I think of her everyday. I cry about her everyday. I miss her everyday. My life has changed from her death and it affects me everyday.

Laila is having emotional problems and medical issues. She is having behavior problems in school and I get calls at least once a week from school. She is doing great academically though. She is seeing a therapist and a specialist so hopefully one day all this will be a bad dream. I love her so much. She acts so sweet and then sometimes it is like I don't even know her!

 

 

Devan, my baby, he is so sweet. He on a recent Saturday morning while I was cooking breakfast took it upon himself to sweep and mop the kitchen floor, load and unload the dishwasher and ask if there was anything else he could do. HE WILL MAKE A WOMAN HAPPY ONE DAY. I can tell you now there is not a woman good enough for him. He is my little friend and such a great helper around the house, which I don't expect or ask of him!

This Thanksgiving of 2011 is going to be hard. The family is all coming together for the first time since my Granny's death. It is the first time she will not be there. I am struggling with this. I am missing her and it is getting around the time of year where everything started to unravel.

There isn't a day that goes by that her name isn't mentioned in my house. Laila will say "I am pinkey promising to Granny that I will have a good day today at school", Devan will say " I bet Granny will tell Jesus that there isn't enough salt on the turkey at Thanksgiving!" It makes my heart melt. It makes my eyes tear up. It saddeneds me deeply.

I am very close to my mom and dad. I trust them. I confined in them. I could not imagine them gone. What would I do? Who would I lean on? Who would I talk to? I would feel lost. I would feel abandoned.

I know for me the death of my Granny has brought me closer to Jesus. I need to be where my Granny is. I need to be where I know my parents WILL be when their time comes. I need to let my children KNOW Jesus.

I heard a song the other day...the words brought tears to my eyes. I have had a stressful few days and feel that this song I have heard at the right time. I have listened to this on You Tube for days. I. LOVE. IT. The chorus is:

we've all been lost and we've all been hurt

Where our hope is spent and our faith don't work

But nothing lasts forever

The only thing that matters

Is God is still God and He holds it together

Happy 5th Birthday Laila

Happy Birthday to my baby girl! We had a little party and a great time! Laila received tons of babies and barbies for her birthday and she was so happy.

Dear Laila,

I love you so much. You are a sweet and loving little girl. Your determination and strong-willed attitude will get you far in life. I can not imagine my life without you in it. I love your funny little sayings and your sweet and sassy humor. I love how I can tell how you feel just from the look of your eyes. Granny always said you had such expression with your eyes from the minute you came home from the hospital !!

You have had a big week this past week...the start of kindergarten and your birthday in the same week!

I love you baby. I love you dearly and wish you the best birthday ever. You will always be "Baby Lu Lu"

First Day of School

Today my babies started school. Laila went to Kindergarten and Devan is in 2nd grade! I was so emotional this morning!

Devan said he was nervous. Laila said she want to know her friends in her class. She checked, double checked, and triple checked that I would be there to pick her up. (Just today-after that they will ride the daycare van)

I cried as I pulled out of the parking lot of school. I cried because my baby is in kindergarten. I cried because my baby is in 2nd grade and gave me the biggest hug when I left his classroom. I cried because I miss my Granny on this important day. I would have in the past called and told her how the "drop off" went as I have done every year since Devan was in Kindergarten. It is an adjustment that I am not taking easy. There are so many first this month that she isn't here for.

Here is Devan and Laila after eating a yummy breakfast before leaving for the big day!

Laila ready to go. First day of Kindergarten, age 4

Walking up to the school.

Outside the school

A whole new world has happened today.... 2 kids in school and 2 kids with homework, Cheaper daycare (before and after school!)

I miss my "babies" already!

Laila

I feel overwhelmed. My baby starts kindergarten on Monday. I'm sad. I know (hope) she will be okay. I will be taking Devan and Laila to school and picking them up on Monday. ( I took the whole day off) I am going to take lots of pictures. I can't believe my baby girl is going to be in school. It seems like yesterday I was bringing her home. She will be 4 still when schools starts and there are children in her class that turn 6 a week later! So, she is a YOUNG kindergartner as her birthday isnt until a few days after school starts. Pics to come on Monday after I wipe my, i mean, her eyes! =(

My Granny... with Jesus for 6 months

I must admit i was going to write this yesterday but i had a horrible day. It really hit me hard yesterday when I woke up. I cried in the shower. I cried on the way to work. I cried at work. I cried at home. I cried before bed. Needless to say, I cried a lot!

I miss my granny so bad. Her death has impacted me so much in so many ways. It was hard yesterday. She has been gone half-of-one year. I don't want time to go forward because it is longer since the time I last spoke to her. She was my friend. I am having a hard time dealing with her death. I can't seem to grasp it. I want her here with me. This is a really hard month due to the fact that Devan and Laila both have birthdays and Laila starts kindergarten. I always call and tell granny how the day went. I tell her the minute I drop them off.

I have always loved this poem and is the last few months I have read it over and over. It is one of my favorites!

One night a man had a dream. He dreamed He was walking along the beach with the LORD. Across the sky flashed scenes from His life. For each scene He noticed two sets of footprints in the sand. One belonging to Him and the other to the LORD.

When the last scene of His life flashed before Him, he looked back at the footprints in the sand. He noticed that many times along the path of His life there was only one set of footprints. He also noticed that it happened at the very lowest and saddest times of His life.

This really bothered Him and He questioned the LORD about it. LORD you said that once I decided to follow you, you'd walk with me all the way. But I have noticed that during the most troublesome times in my life there is only one set of footprints. I don't understand why when I needed you most you would leave me.

The LORD replied, my precious, precious child, I Love you and I would never leave you! During your times of trial and suffering when you see only one set of footprints, it was then that I carried you.

Sends chills day my spine when I read it.

Devan's 8th Birthday

Devan turned 8 years old! (im a little late at blogging) We had a great time! We went to Big Kahunas and Fat Daddy's Pizza and Arcade. We had a little get together for cake and ice cream. I can't believe my baby boy is 8.


Devan and Grandpa!

At Big kahunas

((I'll post more pics later)))

Dear Devan,

Eight years ago. Eight years ago my life was forever changed. I can not imagine not having you in my life. You're senstive ways, funny laugh, goofy sense of humor and adorable personality make me love you whole-heartedly. You and I have been through ups and downs together. We have been through some emotional rollar coasters. I cherish you and will live my life protecting and loving you. I love you more than words and will be here for you for the rest of my life. I know you will go far in life. Your "love to clean" attitude and willing to help out will make a women happy someday. She will be the lucky one! I love you baby! You will always be a baby boy and hold a special place in my heart. You are a mamas boy! Happy Birthday!!!!!!

Footprints

My babies. We had a great time today. We played outside, played in the sandbox, went to the pool. Went to IHop to eat breakfast. We had a great time.

Here is the kids playing in the sandbox....Devan loves it! He loves all things that deal with dirt I do believe

Over the weekend we celebrated my sister, Stephanie's 30 birthday. We went to Pensacola and rode Go-Carts and ate at a Indian resturant. We had a great time. Great family time.

Last Thursday was Devans last day of school. He is going to 2nd grade! I cried. I cried so bad on the way home. I couldn't control it. I pulled out his report card and the first thought that came to my head was, "I need to call Granny!!" I call her every year on that day. I called her last year on that day and told her Devan was gonna repeat 1st grade. Her words that day to me... "Devan is a smart little boy. He just needs to learn it one more time and he will get it. He'll get it April. Not everyone learns the same pace. He'll get it."

I wanted to hear her words on this last day of school. I never thought in a million years she would die before this school year was over! I miss her. I know I say that every post but I do. So bad I do. There are so many first that I want her here for. I cry a lot. I sometimes need her reassurance during difficult times or just to "hear me out"

Through difficult times, through times at work, at home, or with the kids I always know that God is with me. At times I find when I pray I'll say "say hi to my Granny!" LOL

A poem that is one of my favorites has really helped me lately. I find it comforting.

Footprints

One night a man had a dream.
He dreamed he was
walking along the beach
with the Lord.
Scenes from his life flashed across the sky
and he
noticed two sets of footprints
in the sand, one belonging to him
and the
other to the Lord.

When the last scene of his life had flashed
before him, he recalled that at the lowest and
saddest times of his life
there was only one
set of footprints. Dismayed, he asked,
"Lord, you
said that once I decided to follow you,
you'd walk with me all the way.
I don't understand why, when I needed you most,
you would leave me."

The Lord replied, "My precious child. I love you
and I would never
leave you.
During your times of trial and suffering
when you saw only
one set of footprints...
That was when I carried you."

3 months and Laila Graduated Pre-school (VPK)

Its been 3 months today. I can't believe it. I can't believe that my Granny has been gone for 3 months. It seems so unreal. It really seems as though she is on a little vacation and will be back soon. It doesn't seem permanent.
It isn't permanent really. I will see her again and she will be "up and about" as Devan says. I miss her terribly. I miss her more and more everyday!

Laila graduated from VPK yesterday. It was so emotional on so many levels. She is my baby nad will be going to kindergarten in August! I wanted Granny there. I cried during parts of the ceremony!

Mother's Day 2011

Another month

It's difficult. We have enterd another month. Today is May 1st....
Granny passed in February. Its still hard. Hard to know time is getting farther in between my last time with her.
It takes a lot of strength to not break down and cry. Sometimes that strength fails me. It hurts the same as it did. It just doesn't hurt every moment of everyday.

Psalms 119:28 "My soul is weary with sorrow: strengthen me according to your word."

Easter 2011

Jesus came to earth,
To show us how to live,
How to put others first,
How to love and how to give.

Then He set about His work,
That God sent Him to do;
He took our punishment on Himself;
He made us clean and new.

He could have saved Himself,
Calling angels from above,
But He chose to pay our price for sin;
He paid it out of love.

Our Lord died on Good Friday,
But the cross did not destroy
His resurrection on Easter morn
That fills our hearts with joy.

Now we know our earthly death,
Like His, is just a rest.
We'll be forever with Him
In heaven, where life is best.

So we live our lives for Jesus,
Think of Him in all we do.
Thank you Savior; Thank you Lord.
Help us love like you!

*******************************

Easter Sunday. me and the kids
























Devan.












































Cousins, Friends.













I had great weekend. The family came from Georgia to visit and it was great to get together!


We went to Devan's baseball game and then had a little Easter Egg Hunt..over 150 eggs were hid! We went to The Harlem Globe Trotters basketball game....church on Sunday and time well spent with the family!


It was a somber time....i kept thinking of Granny. It is the first holiday without her. During the church service this morning I had an emotional time. We were singing and I just started crying. It is so weird. There are times when I am okay then there are times when I just cry for no reason or every reason at all.

I miss her so much. It seems to be harder though at times. I don't want time in between her death. it seems i keep wanting time to stand still. Like if i have to count in days, weeks, months, and years since her death the memories will fade. I. don't. want. that!


The kids loved having their cousins around. When we got home this afternoon Devan says, "Gee Mama, I really miss everybody." I said, "Yeah me too baby. I like when the family all get together. " He said, "I like when Emma and I play. Emma is my friend and we love each other." My heart melted. Family is so important. I think you have to have a close family to be truly happy. You need family. You need to have the holidays celebrated with all the family. This has been made so clear to me ever since Granny died. Granny would want everyone to be happy, get along, and stay together as one. She would want us to love one another and be supportive of one another.


Easter isn't about the plastic eggs, the Easter bunny or all the candy. It's about Jesus and without Him I wouldn't be where I am today. Without Him I wouldn't have peace in knowing I will see my Granny again.


On this Easter Sunday I want to post my favorite verses. Now my "favorite" seem to change depending on life and what is happening in it. But, none the less, I have some faves....

“I am the way and the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except
through me."

"For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that
whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life."

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you
and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

2 months ago

Its not easier. I think you just get numb to the thought. It has been 2 months since my Granny died. It feels like yesterday. I really miss her. I miss you terribly. I feel like she is just on a vacation. Like she needs to hurry up and get back because there is so much I need to tell her. So much she has missed the past 2 months! I think of her so much.

I love you Granny. . Not a day goes by that you are not on my mind or in my heart. . . .

Devan has been playing baseball. He loves it and is doing so well. I am so proud of him. He wants to play every year I think. I need to get Laila into some type of sport or a activity. She get restless while we are at the games

We have started a tradition many, many months ago. Every Friday night is our movie night. I rent a couple of movies and the kids and I curl up on the couch and eat popcorn and watch the movies until someone falls asleep. (Usually, Devan first!)

I love it. They love it. It builds family memories.

Also, Laila shaved one of her eyebrows off when I wasn't paying attention. I couldn't help but laugh! I'm glad she didn't cut herself. Leave it to Laila to do this. Devan wasn't so into things like she is. She gets into cabinets, makeup, anything!

Wait.

I have been struggling the past month. Actually it's been 4 weeks and 6 days.

My life has changed. I am not the same. I miss her. I miss her bad.
If I can think of something good to come out of this pain...good? I don't know if thats the word to use. I have become closer in my faith. Closer, because I want to see Granny again. I need to be where she is one day. I need to be where she is.

She was a sister, a grandmother, a mother....

I value my love and friendship with my mom and dad. My mom is my friend and my safety net. I do not have a spouse...I think it has made me closer to my parents over the years. They are my "go-to" people for advice. My sounding board for my problems...big or small. I have them to listen to me when I have had a bad day. When life seems unfair and when I have no-one to talk to. I mean children don't ask you, "Hey Mom, how was your day?", "How did work go?" and do they even really care about that? They don't really care about that at this age as long as their needs are met.

I have my parents. I have them as my "spouse". I couldn't imagine the grief and despair if they weren't here for me.

I found this poem and it really touch me....

Wait

by Russell Kelfer

Desperately, helplessly, longingly, I cried;
Quietly, patiently, lovingly, God replied.
I pled and I wept for a clue to my fate . . .
And the Master so gently said, "Wait."


"Wait? you say wait?" my indignant reply.
"Lord, I need answers, I need to know why!
Is your hand shortened? Or have you not heard?
By faith I have asked, and I'm claiming your Word.


"My future and all to which I relate
Hangs in the balance, and you tell me to wait?
I'm needing a 'yes', a go-ahead sign,
Or even a 'no' to which I can resign.


"You promised, dear Lord, that if we believe,
We need but to ask, and we shall receive.
And Lord I've been asking, and this is my cry:
I'm weary of asking! I need a reply."


Then quietly, softly, I learned of my fate,
As my Master replied again, "Wait."
So I slumped in my chair, defeated and taut,
And grumbled to God, "So, I'm waiting for what?"


He seemed then to kneel, and His eyes met with mine . . .
and He tenderly said, "I could give you a sign.
I could shake the heavens and darken the sun.
I could raise the dead and cause mountains to run.


"I could give all you seek and pleased you would be.
You'd have what you want, but you wouldn't know Me.
You'd not know the depth of my love for each saint.
You'd not know the power that I give to the faint.


"You'd not learn to see through clouds of despair;
You'd not learn to trust just by knowing I'm there.
You'd not know the joy of resting in Me
When darkness and silence are all you can see.


"You'd never experience the fullness of love
When the peace of My spirit descends like a dove.
You would know that I give, and I save, for a start,
But you'd not know the depth of the beat of My heart.


"The glow of my comfort late into the night,
The faith that I give when you walk without sight.
The depth that's beyond getting just what you ask
From an infinite God who makes what you have last.


"You'd never know, should your pain quickly flee,
What it means that My grace is sufficient for thee.
Yes, your dearest dreams overnight would come true,
But, oh, the loss, if you missed what I'm doing in you.


"So, be silent, my child, and in time you will see
That the greatest of gifts is to truly know me.
And though oft My answers seem terribly late

"You'd never know, should your pain quickly flee,
What it means that My grace is sufficient for thee.
Yes, your dearest dreams overnight would come true,
But, oh, the loss, if you missed what I'm doing in you.

Opening Day for Baseball

Today Devan had opening day for baseball. He did great! He had such a great time. He laughed and smiled so big. He even got on base a few times! There were jumping castles and food. Grandpa and Grandma were there too! Life couldn't have been better, well actually..................




































.........actually it could have been a whole lot better. I kept thinking how I wanted to call Granny to tell her about the game. She passed away before seeing/hearing about his first practice. She knew he signed up but it was a few weeks before his actual practice started. "Is it time? He's gonna be so good!" is what Granny told me a week before she died. One week before practice started she was gone and I didn't get to call her and say, "Yeah, granny he did good!" She didn't get to hear how he did. The number on Devan's back for his baseball uniform....17. Her birthday...Jan. 17.
Granny, you were there. You saw him today. You had a better view!

2 weeks, 5 days, 6 hours and 44 minutes

but whose counting.....


That's how long it has been since my granny passed away. It has been an emotional roller coaster to say the least.

They say time will make it easier. Does it though? Because for me, time is making it harder. Harder because I have never gone this long without talking to her. I feel I need to call her. I need to tell her about Devan's first baseball practice... about Devan getting strep throat..again! Laila needing to sign up for kindergarten in a couple weeks. Laila's week at daycare...

I miss her. I miss talking to her about life. I miss hearing her voice. I miss talking about Law and order, Lifetime shows, what book she is reading....I miss holding her hand and hearing her tell me "I love you" I miss knowing that she is just a phone call away to ease my worries. I miss her more and more everyday. I know that God needed her more than me. She is in no more pain.

It is selfish for me to want her here. To want her here so my own grief and hurt could be spared. She would not want be in pain, hurting, and dependent on others for her every need. My granny was a very independent person and never wanted to depend upon other people to help her.

I read at my Granny's funeral, which was difficult but very rewarding. I know the women she was. I know the relationship we had. I know what I meant to her and what she meant to me. I want to post what I read....

Louise Ashley Warner (aka Granny)

Jan 17, 1930-Feb 15, 2011

Wife, sister, mama,
mother-in-law, and friend. Grandmother and Great-Grandmother. She had many
names. To me she was my granny.

My granny was more to me
than my grandmother she was my best friend.

I hold close to my heart
stories we would share while chatting on the phone for hours or as I would curl
up to her in her bed,.

We would laugh, talk, cry,
and pray together. She had unconditional love for me and made me feel
emotionally safe and secure.

One of my fondest memories
was spending the night with my granny and papa every Friday night. Granny would
let us stay up all night if we wanted to drinking coke and eating potato chips
and tootsie rolls. Come Saturday morning we would wake up early and Papa would
take us to get donuts. Granny and I would always get the same...Lemon
filled.

Granny would let us pull all
her shoes out of her closet. She loved shoes. We would dance around in her 3 inch
heels. My favorite were the purple ones.

Granny always put the needs
of others before her own. I would call her and she would say, "Hey darling, Are
you okay? Ya need anything?"

We would watch Law and Order
marathons and try to figure out who the bad guy was and guess how it would end.
We would paint each other nails and she would be very particular of the steps
you need to take.
She was my "safe place", my friend, my granny. I
loved her more than words and my heart is broken for what I miss. But i am
thankful for having her as my grandmother and my friend.
I know she is
watching over me from heaven as God has given her a new name....an angel.

It's all about Family

I had a great time over Christmas with the family. The kids and I went walking Christmas Eve around a nature trail, went to Grandma and Grandpa's house Christmas Eve and spent the night...Santa came Christmas morning!

The week after Christmas the kids and I went to Disney World with their dad, Terence. We had a great time and it was wonderful memories.

My granny was really sick but the Lord and lots of prayers pulled her through over the last couple of weeks. =)

Here are some pictures that captivate the last few weeks...

Had a great Christmas and wonderful time in "The Happiest Place on Earth"


I am thankful that my granny is somwehat "better" than she was about 2 weeks ago. I am not menatlly at a place where I am "ready" to let her go.